misssuperindecisive's Blog

Not really sure what happened last night, or over the last few days. But I think it's time i shut off some, take myself out of myself.....if that makes even the slightest bit of sense to anyone (assuming this is read haha).  I'm just feeling more emotional lately, depressed was the main thing last night, I cried and cried for no real reasons.  Which to me means I need to knock it off and send all that crap elsewhere, preferably as far away as possible.

I don't even think this is worthy of talking to others about privately, not even sure I could if I tried.
The only real thing I'm hoping for is to shut down, and get some things done. Like settling my moms estate. It's coming up on a year now since she died, and I have yet to settle her debts.....Doing this alone and getting overwhelmed was my reasons.....But I can't do that anymore, the situation isn't going to change, I'll still be doing it alone once I'm there cleaning and getting the paperwork together....and I'm going to be overwhelmed because I have no help. In the beginning I had temporary help which I'm thankful for, but just like everyone else, they disappeared without saying goodbye...I'm beginning to think all people will do that at some point. I mean I hate my family don't get me wrong, but I expected more from those assholes, it's a few months shy of a year anniversary date for my moms death, and most of them haven't spoken to me since the funeral.  I don't particularly want to talk about it to the people I live with, even though I know they'd be there for me, I just don't want to burden them. 

Also, beginning to see the stupidity with the way  I view men.....I love them, but I'm fucking stupid. I don't know, I have anger in general right now, so not quite sure why the aggravation with men right this very second.   I feel like I'm gonna go ballistic or something though. I mean I got ignored by someone I liked when I tried finding out if they were single, and too be honest, I've been more normal around the guy and I didn't care that he ignored my email. But now I'm annoyed. Even friends (male) on here, I'm getting annoyed at them, for no real fucking reason. 

Too any of my friends on here, that I've been a dick to, I'm sorry.   I do want to shut down some, but I feel like I'm distancing too much at times, and whether or not it comes out on here, I sometimes wonder if I'm being a jerk......I have done this in the past without knowing it. 

I don't know what's wrong with me, this sucks. I just want to cry. My heart hurts, and sometimes It's literally like I can't breathe.  But I don't want to cry, cause it's silly. Fuck I'm rambling....Ending this now lol

Like the title says I don't know that this is even worthy of writing in a blog, but I just need to get it out. I was going through old photo's on one of my memory cards, didn't realize I had videos on it and I heard my mom on one of em. She's been dead eight months now. I don't even know what I'm feeling right now, a part of me is teared up and another is happy, cause I can hear her voice. but all at the same time a part of me is just like whatever, it's her voice who gives a fuck. But this was just a weird thing. I miss her...and stumbling onto this video just makes me almost numb too......

I have actually been in a pretty good mood most of the day, and even at night so far up until like thirty minutes ago.  The only way I know how to describe what is going on is that I feel drained not even physically, just mentally and emotionally.  Part of this all, may be coming from the fact that my friend was messing with my head about a guy, telling me he'd went to see the guy and told me I'd find out if he actually went there telling dude about me....But like an hour ago he finally admitted what I pretty much knew.....which was that it was bull :p  I think I was somewhat disappointed, I can't even talk to the guy, so I was excited that someone else did it hahaha Which I know is pathetic.  But I'm not out of my shyness yet. Plus I'm scared, cause dude is older than me and ugh, it's too much to go into.  Then one of my closest guy friends, who I've never met, I only talk to him online, he's overseas right now, and shit happens, but he hasn't been on in a few days, and I miss him. Not gonna lie I worry sometimes to that something has happened to him. 
Also, I'm really trying to come to terms with the fact that people suck, I know not all, but people that I used to consider close friends.  My best friend and her mother and little sister, and a few random people, are all I have now.  After my mom died, I actually had people saying "oh I hope you're okay" and "I'll be there for you" and "I'll be at the funeral or the viewing". and Most of these people have disappeared since saying that to me. Although I guess that's easy to do when you message them on facebook, instead of saying it to their face.   But I don't think any of them, can even compare to my sack of shit father. Who just ignores me now. But then again I would too if I took someone out on their 21st birthday, and tried pushing them to drink......when their mother died 19 days before that from ALCOHOLIC Cirrhosis of the liver. December 2 will make seven months since my mom passed away, and I don't even have the house cleared out. Now granted I've been doing it by myself after my "help" bailed a month after the fact....But I still feel pathetic, and even right now all I want to do is cry. I keep making up these little stories in my head to make myself cry too, for some reason I can't always cry when I really want to and I have to practically force it out. 

Long story short, I think I'm just lonely, but I don't know why I feel this way sometimes. Ugh, it sucks, but I just needed to vent a little.

Well I'm totally sure where to begin with this. I have a lot going in my life right now and the next few months are going to be absolutely crazy. There is a very large chance that my mother won't live to see my 21st birthday which is in May. I don't even care about that actually, but I'm so mad at her because she'll never get to see me grow up and become the woman that I want to be. She will never get to see the day I get married or have kids. Although in some ways that may be okay, because she's a psychopath or at least it feels that way when she's on a binge drinking episode, or hell even when she is sober. Oh my mother is an alcoholic, didn't put that up before. So that may give the hint that she is dying from alcoholic cirrhosis. Which means i still won't have a mother that I've always wanted, well even half of the mother I've always wanted, and that may sound selfish, but I don't actually care because I think I deserved that.  
Hmm I can't think of much to say, I know that was a rant but I'll come back and try to see if I can do better tomorrow.